I said I'd write more.

First off, thanks to those people who commented. You guys made me feel a little better. And also thanks to qkslvr, although it wasn't on that entry, what you said was nice and made me feel like I was worth something. Maybe.

Things only seemed to go wrong when we went bowling and at Star City. I really didn't feel as if I fitted in. I felt awkward, left out. I just stayed quiet. Safer because that gives people an excuse to ignore me.
I was upset because I couldn't bowl. I didn't want to listen to Jordan when she tried to help me. So she got mad at me and shouted.
Everything just got worse. I began crying, and just wanted to go home even more than before.
Even after I cheered up somewhat, I only hit the pins in three frames.
Then I just wanted to go outside. Nobody really seemed to care. I sat outside by myself and thought. I was still upset. When I walked back in and sat outside the arcade, I could see Charlotte playing on a dance machine and Jordan watching and laughing. It showed me she has more fun when I'm not around. She looked outside and saw me, and came outside. She shouldn't have to do that. I'm not worth it.
Time went on, and I actually managed to enjoy myself. I lost twice to Jason at airhockey but I didn't care much.
But then we went out of the arcade, and Charlotte insisted on going on this trampoline thing multiple times. At this point, I phoned up my dad, who said he wanted to come collect me soon because he had to go fetch my brother from London in the morning. I asked Bex what time we were planning to leave and she said that she didn't know and I might as well ask my dad to pick me up from here. I told them I was going outside to wait and recieved no real response.
I was upset when I sat outside. I thought one of them would wonder where I was. I phoned Jordan twice and left a message and phoned Bex twice and sent two text messages to Jordan and one to Bex. They didn't respond to any.
When my dad came, we went to look inside for them and they'd just gone. I thought I meant more than that. I guess I can be wrong. It's all I deserve.
My dad knew I was upset. He wasn't as bad as my mother who kindly reassured me it was all my fault and I should never do anything like that again. It's always my fault.
Jordan sent me a message this morning saying that they didn't realise I had gone. Thank you. Thank you so fucking much.

I have to go to the bonfire today. Note the words - have to. My dad wants me to go, therefore I have to go. My mother told me off for being stupid and told me it was my fault and I shouldn't wait outside because it's dangerous. I'm not a little kid anymore. But maybe I am.
The thing is, I know most people won't so much as look at me. A few people will talk to me perhaps, but there's better people for them to talk to. I know it will be impossible to get Jordan's attention. She'll be talking and laughing with Catherine and Holly. Bex will have her own circle of friends there. I'll play the outsider once again.
I don't want to go. I'm scared and tired.

Everything's my fault. I've been told that enough times. I'll never be good enough. I apparently have the talent but I am too lazy to use it. Maybe it's because I can't do it. She said that if she had got a C on her course work she would have been more worried over it. She wasn't there when I cried in depseration because I knew I couldn't finish and I knew I would never do very well. She says I will do badly in all my exams. She says I will find it hard next year. And guess what - it's all my fault.
It'll always be my fault. I make things worse, because when I'm around, people have to try and placate me while trying to enjoy themselves. People can have fun around me as long as I'm not included. If I am, things are held up because and stupid and selfish and silly.
It is all my fault.
I know I'm not worth anything, not worth the attention or the worry, but I like attention. Strange. I can never be happy. I'm just messed up.


I'm posting this in both my LJ and DJ. Scream at me if you want, I don't care about what I've said. This is how I see things. So scream at me telling me none of this is true, scream at me telling I'm wrong - as always - scream at me telling me I'm the one being mean, I'm out of order.
I know I'll get upset and depressed when I read them.


But that's all I deserve.