jump start my kaleidoscope heart

Breath in. Breath out. Scream.

I don't want to care anymore. Go away, leave me alone. Wait. You're not actually making any effort towards this friendship, silly me. Just go there, just go live there, it's obvious you want to be there so much more. I'm tired of this. I want to cry.

We're not friends, are we? We're just people who know each other, who hang around the same places. We're not flavour of the week, so you don't talk to us unless you want something or unless you're forced to. You say you care, but there's a big difference between saying you do and showing it...

Yes, you came ddring. You stood in front of the machine on the otherside of the window when you know - surely you must know by now - that I hatehatehate anyone distracting me. Stalking off ahead. Goodness, why would I be angry at you? You knew I would be going straight home... You could have realised and waited for the next bus, it wasn't that long...

And if you're going to give me the grief of saying I'm only doing this because I'm jealous and for gods sake, I should get over you already-- Just don't. I'm saying this because I hurt to much when someone who I considered to be one of my best friends is hurting me like this. You're lonely? Screw you, I've been lonely for a longer time. I've been used - maybe we used each other - but you're the one with the plans of who was next. Sometimes I feel like saying to the people who hate you, sure, go ahead. But I can't, because I still care for you too much.

Have I angsted at you? Have I sent you any text messages bar the ones asking where you were and the stupid kittens joke? Have I demanded your attention? No. Because I've stopped. I've changed. I can do it. Things don't happen overnight. But I can change, I will, just you watch and see. But you won't watch. You never do. I'm selfish and cruel and sensitive and fickle and a liar, but I never said I wasn't.

We could be friends. But I'm not working for it. If you want to be friends, you tell me so. You make a fucking effort. The weekend made me realised I have a lot of people who care about me. Maybe I'm drifiting away from some of them, maybe I don't tell them how much they've done for me... But I know I'm not alone.

I just don't think I can take it.

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

rock-n-rollstar.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 10:23 am (UTC)

I think i could take a reasonably educated guess as to who you're talking about. But regardless of who it is you're talking about, i think you're right to say what you do, sometimes things just have to be let go, and if someone isn't as willing to work for something and be mature about something as you are yourself, then it's not going to work no matter how hard you try.

Maybe telling them this would be a better thing to do? Maybe when they realise that they've let something good go, then they'll make more of an effort. Sometimes people need shocking into being a good friend.

But you're right, try not to be guilt tripped or regret it, don't let someone use you or emotionally drain you because it won't be worth it.

*hugs*

Slay the Beast

beneret.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 10:46 am (UTC)

I am willing to hazard a guess as to who you speak. If I am wrong, dismiss this is nonsense, but if I am right, you know the only thing staying my hand on this matter is your word. The offer remains open, and my patience continues to wear thin. My advise? Treat this as you would a cancer - cut it out. I cannot tell you how to feel, and I cannot tell you how to react, but I can sympathise, as your friend, and as one of those people who do care about you. People like this are a plague upon our species and sould be destroyed. It makes me rather annoyed to think we could be a step or two closer to curing paralysis or curing cancer if this...creature, had been used for stem cell research instead of being born. I too have experienced the pain of seperation when feelings still linger, andthe turmoil of hatred and affection combined. But this is fleeting. It passes, and leaves you a stronger person, hardened to the wicked games of these such people. Manipulation is their pleasure and twisting in the wind like this only plays further into thier hands. My advise? Forget about him. One day he will try to use the wrong person, and the rengence shall be sweet indeed, take comfort in that, if nothing else. But remember, your friends surround you, they love you and will protect you. I would gladly dash this scum to pieces if you asked me to, and be assured that if the time comes, I will hold my word. Until then, my dear sarri, do not worry. Your friends love you, and will look after you (steven harkings included =P). You will get through this, and one day we will simply look back and laugh.

Im around if you need anything. Please feel better

insanedeano.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 11:58 am (UTC)

You already know what I think on the subject, as we talked earlier. I think you've been strong in the first place to post this, second to make it public.

Trust me, with your friends around you... you will never be alone. You can be strong, because I'm seeing it evidenced right now.

You've said what you needed to say, the ball's in the other court, it's up to "them" if they return it or not.

acidbuk.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 01:23 pm (UTC)

You know my view, we chatted eariler.

This person is This close (does hand thing) to starting a war, one They will lose.

takehiro.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 04:04 pm (UTC)

Im guessing who youre talking about, but either or, you could do with cutting him out, not thats its my decision, but im saying like, people like him are effectionless psychopathys, they dont care, just because they have been neglected they feel the need to neglect everyone else. Also hiding himself under the layer of niceness makes him even harder to avoid, showing good to some and bad to others.
I agree with everyone above.

radical-ed-21.livejournal.com

2005-02-04 08:24 pm (UTC)

hon you know i'm still here for you and i always will be. in manchester i told you that you should be treated with far more respect with this and i meant it.

and acid, the war... your bloody right.

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kthxrawr

already out of foolproof ideas

Slay the Beast