Just a warning, behind the cut will be some angst. If that bothers you, don't read it.


I have trouble saying how I feel. I can type it, I can write it, but I find it hard to talk. And it seems the only time I'll let down my guard enough to speak, is when I'm upset and beyond the point of tact. As well, who really wants to hear what I have to say? You've all got problems of your own, and me trying to deal with my own problems just makes things worse.
I don't like myself. I'm weak. I lack motivation. I don't understand why people want to be around me. I can't see when people are trying to offer me help; I'm selfish and ungrateful.
And I don't know what to do. I try and talk, and it makes things worse. I keep things inside me, and I just need to vent all the negative feelings. I try and keep smiling, but the mask breaks. People have said that perhaps I should see a counsellor or get medication, but that would bring more trouble than it's worth. I talk to some people, and it means more than I'll ever say, but I'd like to talk to my good, close friends, without feeling scared that they don't care. Please don't get me wrong. This a problem with me, not you. Fucking cliche, I know, but for gods sake, it's true, please believe me. You - you should know who you are - are the most important people to me, and I just don't feel like you deserve to have all my problems weighing you down.
Right now, I'm just trying to stay sane, and I feel like an insensetive, self-centred bitch for saying this, but I'm trying to look out for myself. Because nobody else can be expected to, really. Other people's problems are worse, but this is me; I'm living it, and I'm dealing with it.
And it hurts almost, to know that one of the things keeping me going is the burning desire to prove everyone wrong everytime they've told me that I'm not good enough, that I can't do it, that I'm just going to fail.

I find it hard to speak up normally at times. Yes, sometimes I know I won't shut up, and I know I babble nervously, but it's because I don't know what to say. And I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, so I stay quiet. And I'm paranoid, because I know I don't fit in very well, and I leave myself out on purpose.
Really, I'm just hurting myself here. But no matter what I do, no matter how I try and tell myself my good points, no matter how I try and convince myself that I am a good person, that I am worth knowing, there's the voice inside my head that tells me people are only around because they pity me, that things would be better off without me, that nobody cares about what I've got to say.

My eating and sleeping patterns are messed up again. Not hungry, very sleepy but not wanting to go to sleep. And I'm still horribly fat, and I hate how I look in photos and I keep making promises to myself that I'll get better but I'm not. I break every promise.

I know I'm weak. I know I cry far too easily, that I let myself get down and lose direction, that I believe the negative paranioa and not my friends, that I'll give in too easily. And most of all, I don't know how to make myself a better person.

I know I don't say how I feel about people enough, that I don't tell them what they mean to me, that I'm so grateful they're here, and they've kept me here.

I just want to learn to fly, and be everything I've ever wanted. I want to be able to find the words to say how I feel without beginning to cry, find the words to show people how much they mean, to give back just a little of what they've given to me.