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jump start my kaleidoscope heart

already out of foolproof ideas


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[personal profile] kthxrawr
[livejournal.com profile] derventiodiva, [livejournal.com profile] lone_star_aggie, [livejournal.com profile] thelavalampgirl!

suggest rules you think we should get rid of, due to sheer number of rules.

[also, I'm totally drinking if Seb is reminded of the safety car rules, ahah.]

Commentary clichés:

Drink one shot of beer (or equivalent) every time the relevant commentator or analyst says one of their catchphrases. If a player can finish the catchphrase along with them, everyone else must drink another shot


Jonathan Legard says:

"On a charge"
"Pushing on"
"Kicking on"
"Pressing on"
"Who's going to get to the first corner first?"
"There's a problem there"
"Fastest lap"
"[Team name] from [Team name]" (eg. "Ferrari from McLaren from Red Bull")
"Twenty-ten" (as opposed to "Two-thousand-and-ten")
"He knows the time to beat"
"Is it going to be good enough?!"
"Not good enough"

"Discretion is the better part of valour"
"This could be crucial!"
"He is dancing on his tail"
"We're being told"
"It's a real shot in the arm"
"It's going from bad to worse"
"Battle is joined"
"By my calculations"
"He's done it!"
"Ohhhh no!"
"Oh dear"
"Ted Kravitz, what news?"
"They're coming thick and fast now"
Something obviously scripted
Changing the subject mid-sentence
Interrupting Martin Brundle
Failing to cope with the action at the start
Something only tenuously linked to the action
Something that exposes his lack of technical knowledge relative to Brundle
Something plain incorrect
Any reference to a recent conversation with a member of the F1 fraternity

Martin Brundle says:

"Job done"
"An armful of opposite lock"
"This is a critical phase of the race"
"The car's understeering like a cross-channel ferry"
"Nail the throttle"
"Game on"
"Slam dunk"
"Punch and counter-punch"
"Retardation"
"Guesstimation"
"Line astern"
"That was a banzai move"
"Straight to the scene of the accident"
"Hug the apex like it's your favourite granny"
"He's had a dismal race/weekend/season"
"They'll have to deploy a safety car"
"He got mugged"
"There or thereabouts"
"Never in a month of Sundays"
"You're either giving pressure or you're taking it"
"Threading the eye of a needle"
"In the zone"
"The marbles off the racing line"
"Upside-down aeroplane"
"His race has been compromised"
"A day late and a dollar short"
"Tippytoe around"
"Woefully slow"
"He's been in the wars"
"Last of the late brakers"
"On the ragged edge"

"Snatch a brake"
"Wiped out"
"Little [Driver name]" eg."Little Piquet"
"Scything through the field"
"Giving it plenty"

"Outsmarting himself"
"Motor race"
"Floating off the road"
"Dummy grid"
"Can he slow it down when he gets there?"
"Rear-gunner"

"It is indeed"
"Good stuff"
"Hero and zero stuff"

"It's like driving on oiled ice"
"The car's bolted to the road"
Mispronouncing "Vettel"
Affixing "-san" to a Japanese surname eg. "Hamashima-san from Bridgestone"
Interrupting Jonathan Legard
Any racing driver jargon
Something disparaging about the FOM TV director
Something spoken in a comically high 'surprised' tone of voice
Something in a contemptuous tone of voice
Something genuinely witty

Ted Kravitz says:

"I'm in the McLaren garage"
"And I'll tell you what"
"I don't believe it!"
"They say there is nothing wrong with his car"
"He doesn't need to stop again"
"The weather radars are provided to the teams by Météo-France"
Any kind of breakdown in communication with the commentators
Referring to drivers by their first names

Eddie Jordan says:

"Contrite"
"In my view"
"Alluded to"
"KERS"
"In a sense"
"In some respects"
Something ungrammatical
Some sort of torturous metaphor
Something that makes no sense whatsoever
Any mention of the Jordan team
Any sycophantic behaviour toward a guest
Any awkward lines of questioning
Dashing offscreen to corner a potential interviewee
Putting his arm around someone (two shots if they look particularly uncomfortable)

David Coulthard says:

"Clearly"
"Red Bull"
"Sebastian Vettel"
"Mark Webber"
"Well, indeed..."
"I agree with Martin"
Any suggestive comment about Lee McKenzie or a driver's girlfriend

Lee McKenzie says:

"You must be bitterly disappointed"
"Just talk us through what happened"

General incidents:

Drink two one shots of beer whenever these occur


Pre-race:

The daft 'Countdown to the race' clock appears on screen
Humphrey, Coulthard and Jordan's conversation is drowned out by an engine
Coulthard and Jordan disagree about something
Humphrey, Coulthard and Jordan go for a walk down the pit-lane
One of them nearly gets run over
Interview with Christian Horner
Obvious time-filling of any kind
Humphrey contrives a excuse to use his iPad for something other than reading his lines
Shot of driver licking his earplugs before inserting them
FOM theme tune plays (Must drink until it finishes)
National Anthem plays (Must down your drink)
Lee McKenzie interviews a driver walking through the paddock
Shot of Brundle and Legard in the commentary box

Gridwalk:

Brundle and Coulthard do the gridwalk together for no discernible reason
Brundle shows us the safety car
Interview with the polesitter
Interview with Bernie Ecclestone
Ecclestone forces Brundle to interview a movie star, local dignitary or supermodel
Interview with someone who plainly doesn't know what the hell is going on
Brundle barges into another reporter's interview, annoying them
Brundle sticks his microphone into another interview
Said interview is in foreign language
Someone refuses to be interviewed
Brundle says "We're live" or "Quick word for British TV?"
Brundle bumps into his old friend Tanya from Sky Deutschland
Brundle panics and interviews the first person he recognises
Brundle is forced to wait in line for an interview and gets annoyed
The cameraman bumps into something/someone
Driver sucks from drinks bottle as he is being interviewed

Race:

Camera angle makes it difficult to see who got off the line well
There is a crash at the first corner
Someone loses a front wing
Team radio interrupts commentator mid-sentence
Commentator mistakes a replay for live action with hilarious results
Someone stalls on the grid
Someone is given a drive-through penalty

Safety car is deployed
Race strategies get really confusing
Engineer says something obvious over the team radio
Brundle explains that the radio transmissions are delayed

Brundle and Legard say they can't understand a clearly comprehensible radio message
Someone aquaplanes off the track
A driver directly addresses Race Director Charlie Whiting over his radio
Rob Smedley practically tells Felipe Massa how to drive
Shot of driver's father/girlfriend/wife
An unsafe release or other incident in the pitlane
Ferrari do something outrageous
Someone makes a brilliant strategy call
Humourously exact FOM weather warning turns out to be completely wrong

Commentators get the mid-race thoughts of Mike Gascoigne, Coulthard or Jordan
Director misses an important bit of action eg. overtake, crash
Pointless slo-mo replay
There is some sort of cock-up with the onscreen graphics
A Virgin, Lotus or Hispania car is lapped
Correctly guessing who is going to be asking questions in the FIA press conference

A driver says "for sure" in the press conference
A driver bemoans tyre degradation in the press conference

Post-race forum:

Interview with Martin Whitmarsh
Interview with race winner
Coulthard does a Tim-from-The-Office look to camera
A microphone fails and Humphrey has to shove his under the guest's nose
Humphrey isn't listening properly because he's looking through e-mails on his iPad
Brundle shows up halfway through eating an ice cream
Conversation is drowned out by winning team celebrating in background
Coulthard and/or Jordan have to leave early

Anytime:

Lee McKenzie appears on screen
Ted Kravitz appears on screen
Murray Walker appears on screen
Any unnecessary use of a brand name
Any avoidance of use of a brand name
Someone refers to our esteemed host as 'Jake Humphreys'
Someone swears

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